weeeellllllll..............

hmm...... it has indeed been a while since I last posted. that is to say, posted anything that wasnt a observation of how long its been since I last posted......  Really, once you get far enough behind, its hard to pick back up again. once I start typing, no matter whats going down in my life, I feel like i have nothing to say.....it really is a predicament. really, very little of any emotional importance goes on in my life, which is really the main issue. I feel crushingly deppressed for a while, I have artist blocks, I become insanely busy, and in the end none of it really matters. whats to point of getting up in the morning if I know that nothing that bappens to me is going to be worth mentioning the next day? every moment rolls by, I'm tired, but the hyper comes out. I wake up way too early and yet way too late to be on time, to school, goof around with my friends who grow more distant by the hour,go home. Deal with mom, who never stops bitching, and dad, who is becoming fiercy strange, stagnant, and irritable to the extreme. I then go to rehersal, where I stumble through music and blocking that was never fully explained. on saterday, I go to rehersal, then try (ineffectualy) to clean up the pig-sty that is my room. I've been meaning to clean the bathroom too, the cat litter smell is getting nauseating, as are the strange stains on the floor in front of the litter box. Saterday evening, I walk dogs. All sunday, I walk dogs. Occasional excursions with rachi, dirty jokes that are laughed at vigoriously and quickly forgotten. I eat the same thing for lunch every day, I have the same conversations every day, I wear the same face every day. Theres no point in telling my friends when I'm deppressed, as a week later, it won't stop me from feeling like I had never told them. In general, strange as it sounds, I'm pretty happy in that giggling, decadent, oblivious world. I hardly ever indulge in sitting around angsting, which is a similar expirience to sitting around eating oreos. I get nothing done, and the craving will go away in a moment. Its funny to think that I can provoke myself into a state of self induced introvered angsty bliss.

 Its like some sort of emotional masterbation. 

 At the same time, I can turn myself into a kawai highschool girl just as fast.

The really sad thing is, I know that no matter what I do, or where I go, the way I feel won't change. I've had plenty of uplifting expiriences. I've seen a lot of pretty sunsets. I've had plenty of nice vacations. I've read gazillions of inspiring poems. I've had more philisophical "eureka" moment than many people have in a life time, and you know what? None of it mattered. I still end up feeling the same way.  The only real difference now is that I understand that all my emotions are fleeting and meaningless. It does no good to dwell on any emotion, as nothing will change because of it. All depressions, all artist blocks, will fade in time, as joy will. (however, good feelings to tend to be a bit more fleeting than sad ones). The only feeling that seems to linger is that of boredom and inevitability. I see my future spread in front of me, a long, almost endless torture, while simultaniosly going fast enough to make one weep at the thought of it. I feel like I am hurtling down I path I can see, going quickly towards the end, but without the time to savor the patches of sunlight I stream through.....

I hate this place. I need to get out.

blaaaaaaahhhhhhh

meh.... its been a while since I last blogged, and a lot of stuff has happened, and I don't feel like writing anything! yay! ^^

See me morph into Amy Lee!

ehhh....

Oh dear lord, it has been such a long time since i last posted.... since before school started, right? it seems like i am always post short summaries of long periods of time.... condensing my life into a paragraph.... whatevah....

hmm.... what do i want to say? i only doing this cause i'm on a school computer and everything else is filtered. (why xanga isn't filtered, I have no idea). ok, timeline of my life for the past few months..... gahhh! i don't even want to just type the highlights! teres just too much stuff!

ok.... maybe i'll just talk about today.... no, nothing particularly interesting happened today...

hell, i'll talk about it anyway! i need to get back in the habit, or this blog is going nowhere!

ok, here goes, this is what happened..... (uuugh.... I don'twannaaaahhh! No! you type it NOW! ok, ok, geeez (other me is such a jerk......)

Sorry....

ummm... what was i doing again?

(my stream of thought is kinda funny when typed......)

....

....

I got up this morning a little late , cause i just lay in bed awhile listening to awful songs on my clock/radio/alarm. THe news people on the radio said that scientist test some elmers glue and it turns out that that has lead in it too. that made me a little sad, i thought about all the poor elementary school teachers getting lead poisoning without even know it.... sad. then i got up. took shower, got dressed, ext, decided i like regular masquara a lot more than stage makeup masquara. Accidentally poured strawberry instant breakfast into my coffee rather than the usual chocolate. it didn't taste as bad as i thought it would, but it made me nauseous on the way to school. It wasn't as cold today as it was yesterday, which is good cause i'm wearing a skirt. Went to school, talked to alex for a while, then went to art class. worked on manga, didn't get much done. Jessica and Beau kept talking about what happened on the roleplaying website they like, and i felt a little left out, but not really. American history next, still stinging over the mediocre scores i've been getting on the tests and quizzes in that class. We watched a optimistic video on the economy of the US vs other countries. And learned that america isn't all bad...... oh, apparently i have to leave now, and i haven't even gotten through 2nd period yet. great.

hmm.....

thanks bex, but sadly i will still probly not post a lot, i've been busy as hell and my internet connection is finito. I'm using Jacobs computer right now.